i calL this My hOmE…

define WIN?
many a time I would associate it with the process but this time round, I have no choice but to conclude it with the result as it is by default of what most of us see.
mention about the answer….now got to just face with the result….
I thought that it will not hurt but it was really a deep cut once again
got a call near midnight when I was at home….
Sam, I think i will still proceed with the divorce and blablablablablablablablabla but hope that we can still be friends…
my subconcience was expecting it but reality was not but due to reasons on her side…………..it turn out to be this way…..
funny as it can be that I just calmly ask what do you want next?
interestingly a question posted was why dun you want to put up with a fight….as in to tryt o reconcile……
tsktsk…what is it expected of me to say?
wonder for quite some time as my tear glands begin to function simultaneously hard…….
interesting as it can be and after plenty of dialouges, i msg a bro of mine that once again, all hopes seems to be gone…. dunno why but wat pains me was the reply that why must all these happen to us……i wept….
and really wet my pillow upside down this time round.
really want to go for a boxing match immediately or even right now but health not allowing me…
Am i a disgrace to all Men…or my church or christians or friends or as a son or father?
ALL OF THEse pop up around me and I only can…….tear….even as I am typing this whole blog….my tears never fail me but just continue to work harder as I go deeper into my heart to serach…..
not answers but where are the injuries as it hurts so much without bruises….
fair or not has a new meaning to me….felt that i am just so blessed to learn all these lessons. truly madly deeply about it compared to others that only have a smooth life.I did not try enough?
WRONG>>>>I did not try and always thought I was never wrong was my mistake to begin with… asm mention by my bro that has been close to my heart for at least 11yrs and he mention that…thanks for honesty…no comments and not important and not even toking about justifying….
too tired for all these….
ashes to ahes mention in book of eccleciasties…and all is nothing…without Him….cannot deny the fact or even rebuke it as truth really hurts…..
hurts so much as if someone is skinning me alive right now and I am just looking at the process yet not ablt to react or move…….Gorry or painful it can be, will be done one day depending on how you view it and the experience….I AM NOT EXPERIENCED>>>>>>>>explains the super duper hurtful feeling that tears down my skin from the neck till my spine, from skin to flesh, from flesh to bone and bone back ou tto skin…….thanks Anqi….

Recently, just met up with some of the little gals in BLSS from NDP. Life seems so innocent and full of simple problems though seems BIG to them. But it is just different phases of life.
Mine perhaps is really nothing compared to some others out there too but had a real good talk with a sis and bro of mine at different times….On How they view things and others as such…Really felt that I have wasted more than enough time and am I going to continue to carry on wasting or not….but then again, there are many ways to look at it.
Currently the BIG word  INSOMIA is clouding over my mind and i was really happy to be able to rest at least 12 hrs the day before but now am back to normal to an hour only ever since.
Birthday has past after birthdays…what does it show? we are just one step nearer to our deathbed or one step further away from troubles….
Vague as it is on my blogs recently but is of not much choice…Patience a virtue?not that i can think of for myself…Do i always think that I am in no wrong and blablabla….maybe……
more importantly, I know my tear glands are spoilt…I actually wept when i saw the 639 ppl that represent Republic of China coming out during the opening of Olympics and felt so touched by the scene….I think I am just too EMO for anything now about o turn into an EMU….
What’s the point of driving when one can take taxi…What’s the point of drinking alcohol when there is water???so many whys…..
the answer is just up to us to unravel and I have my own answer to certain things in life but now is how I walk the talk.
That is normally the toughest compared to walking on trays of eggs whereby practice makes perfect.but never perfection which is so different from different eyes of perfect….
Deep as I may be right now, I am just glad Jed is growing well and no matter what down the road of 20-50yrs, I see him able to influence others just like his dad….but hopefully just in the good way as you can see the x factor and charisma in him just as i see it in my father’s.
Just so many thoughts too fast for me to type but last but not least for this entry….
Walk the Talk and there is a need to burn our bridges many a times to move on….scary as it sounds but yet as honest as it can get…

found the answer but the rest will be updated soon…
TATA

seriously…what am i supposed to do now?
am really lost and vexed for words….
sighz……what am i suppose to day, do or response….
it has been almost a month from the last time we reconcile and the pastor toking to us last week….what is really next?beats me so much….i know have not tried enough cause is not really easy to be truthful……..F….My beloved bro done so much things and now expect me to think nothing has happend? cause everything is together….how to F…….man….
sighz….
now is like i really do not know what is happening cause am still living alone as every other time as Anqi claims that i should talk to my mother in law but i think is not of importance as i do not really want to rake up of the past  and quarrel over it as i try to think is all over and both is at fault….
do not want to presume anything again…. but if i do not, she will not move back….is never about giving in but does it really help in all to settle this way as i think it will be back to square one as the mom will think i am all at fault and that does nto help things……and just tell me that i must forgive and Ren about everything…..F… lah……how to…man after all the f… things that happen???sighz…..
sorry but to comment, j……, dun give ur comments,….not even think about it…thanks alot as it already helps alot but really trouble my bro shawn to be stuck in between when he dun have to….thanks……really thanks alot and i appreciate wateva happen and u know i do not tear easily as well outside together with you bro…..
i have not seen Jed for 2 weeks and about to go into ……….. again……..Y>>….
cannot understand my parents???? that my parents are the one who look after him all these while since he was born and her mom is the one that refuse to quit and look after but now is taking Jed all this time….so unfair……sighz… what can i say….argue????or quarrel????no point as it doesnt do good to Jed….Pls advise mi….
i heard of so many stories about mi outside and alot about me otherwise but not important as i feel that I have not done anything guilty…… in certain matters as in i do not hide….not do not admit

was not pleased that Anqi ask me a couple of questions needed to ask me to check whereby i did no wrong and am the one that is clean compared to……
but what can i say but just keep quiet as i do not want to quarrel…..
but all i got last week was i am a liar for a couple of things….
is ok…liar is not important to me as long as everything works….but am still waiting…..
do not really know how long i can wait and how much more can the girl at 532 play As I Thank You Lord so many times wrongly that i did not jump down….
that was like laST LAST SEPTEMBER….NEAR 2 YEARS BACK LIAOZ…..
REALLY NO COMENTS NOW CAUSE I DO NOT KNOW WHAT IS SHE DRIVING AT AS I MYSELF FELT ALOT OF Things is just not right and what can i say…..
it has been the 3rd week…..about JEd’s kindergarten i got my views different from her….then try to settle but nothing is settled…is it me?does she really want to be together or just want to be smooth sailing with Jed?i really wonder now?i try to bear with it but really do not know how long i can bear with it anymore….as i have lost at least 2920hours of sleep liaoz…….physically and not a figure blown at all.
not entirely her Fault but myself for suffering from insomia and docs just cannot help as it is the heart and not the physical…..guess the time right now and how much i slept yesterday….
i slept only at 10a m and only woke up at around 2pm and now still typing away at 740am…that is sam as sleep is of no more importance to me…there are many ppl say tHAt i can write a book or biography about my life but i thought that is of no importance as it is more important Of how we live and not ABout how we know others live. is an example but is nOT OF importannce but living an example is much more important and that is what limits me as of time……
now now now…waht shall i do or say, but wait for comments??? pardon me for my straight replies if needed.
pLease try me then i would be able to know myself better.thanks alot……

before each time i start typing, i will always wonder if this is going to be a long one or short one.well, lets just see then….

few days on a thursday morning after i wrote my last blog, mi and anqi reconciled.

Things are just so different now. Maybe we have not talked and not even toking about living with each other for so long…
2 years is really alot and is something which i will never trade for the things i went through….
Just like an email i sent out recently that experience is impt and never regrt or watsoeva cause more important is that we have grown and seen til today what we learn….Always thinking if only but what if it is worse?

typing using a wireless keyboard is really very shoik as i can sit on my sofa and type blindly but comfortable. as my screen too small. should try to connect to my TV and it will be marvelous but will be spoilt and cultivate a real bad habit…guys out there, my birthday round the corner. will not mind having a 42inch monitor cum TV.heehee

more and more ppl gettting married. Just got  another 2 bombs . one is my long time old fren laverne getting engaged. th other is siti hajar my so called wife in poly as i remember thetime i help her buy whisper as it was emergency started the funny wife thingy…. so excited for both of them……

The trick or only thing to keep hold is the trust and be true to each other. Not to even mention how you entrust your marriage in terms of religion or culture.
Ordained by God, no comments on that already and especially seeing so much thesse 2 years around mi and my frenz. got the same no. of divorce cases same as marriage and yet the are really nice ppl around mi but then again, relationship is so different from marriage.

SOunds experience man but am a failure myself.Sighz……Wil things get beter or same as now or what? seriousy i really do not know but i only know that i already paid a very high price these 2 years…so many many things that i choose or dun choose to give up, let go, drag on……
Ultimately, a song that encouraged or i should say enlighten me back to my music to really let go my emotions was a song written and composed by my dear friend but i think it is not officially out yet…..that is a  big hint for those out there who might know who it is….

wonder how many ppl still following me till here….or got bored liao…..
Just had a bitter battle with myself last night and this morning. was pretty ultimate. I didnt know  a person can weep for so long just by listening 2 6 songs repeatedly for so many hours. the last was my grandma funeral that i can without break continue with so much stamina or should i say water….no wonder some of my frens gave mi a nickname…..LAMA…..can store so much water when i drink and seldom go toilet. Now can release it out also and for so long. heehee…

living and taking care…the same?my fren asks……….. another ask to live or leave with it. all with their own probz. my answer to them is move on which ever the answer is.

well, at the end of all these, is it life or just live……..interesting….just realise that my wireless mouse not working that is connected to my keyboard. Sianzzzzzzzzz
that sounds quite anti climax

My favourite statement recently is: Why must the person you love most hurt you most while they should not even be the last one to hurt you…

Just got the divorce letter yesterday. Have been waiting for this letter for at least 2 years. There has been lots of emotional ups and downs for this letter. Finally, it came since the day my so called wife who is excellent as loving chose to give up this marriage 3 years back.

Now, how should i feeel?
Look back on all the photos we took together especially the trip up to genting which was about 5 years ago when we got together for only a year. sighz…
Outcome not important to me anymore as compared to the hurt time and time again.not just me but also people around me.

Well, do not wish to pour more as of now. Take care all of you and wish the best for my sis marriage…Ida Goh and Hadassah Lau….. Wish both of you couples all the best….

Bingjun….U mention waiting for mi to contact you… Listen here….Suck my Toe…

Lick my ass….

understand???What right do you have to say that? Betrayal….HOw to reconcile that with you Father???

I really do not know…..Am weak….

As for Anqi…Hopeless…..

Games are meant for children…and if that is what you want…

SAy want to reconcile then later say you still got your own trust issue….Is adultery commmited by your dad or even uncles or god father my fault?

Shame on them…..Too bad for you…IS not my fault and u blame it on mi….told you to seek treatment but u refused and say i dun love u if i dun give you time to change… Now u play all these games and using my parents and son as a bait to play right?

Shame on you…. Will see how long you going to play….but bear in mind, is your own son if you care….

Sighz…..Life?

Interesting…

Live and Learn is my favourite quote now….

Really can comprehend it now.

before you read this, I’m going to type this mail as if I am talking so no alteration will be made.

How great is love. It may be very hard for me to hate someone but what about someone’s actions which continually hurt you and people around you time and time again.

For those who do not know and those who which to know about things that happen between me and my evil wife. this is a summary. Anything pls clarify with her at 81189850. I cant tolerate anymore with all these nonsense for so many years and that is why I m speaking up now.

ALl these happened when we were full of lust and got our baby Jed. so we got married and i started working by Dec 17 04 after my army with only a diploma. I joined an independent financial advisory firm to be self employed and worked very hard and made a real tidy sum and manage to even maintain a flat which came in end dec 05. problem came in when she started complaining not free during weekends. I gave up my sunday then to spend time with family and churchmates. It was not ebnough. My sat was sacrificed soon after but that definitely affected my income. thereafter, my income dtrop to about 3k a month. then she started complaining that it was not enough….this sound silly but we quarrelled over this till end of 06. Define what is enough? Harlow……

And when she cools down, she always only say i m like that, and if u love mi, give mi time to change.

second main issue. she actually could not take the cries of my son and started hitting him during 3-6mths old when her sleep is being disturbed and made my son cry for over an hour many a times. By the way, she had 1 more year to go started 05July after my son gave birth and poor mi was in charge looking after my son after work throughout the night after she breastfeed. Which baby doesnt cry???? Ask her to see postnatal yet she refused….

along the way her dad passed away. in Jan 2006.To keep the story short, thereafter she actually didnt allow my parents to carry my son saying it will remind of her dad not able to carry his grandchld. What is this. I told my parent sto understand and try to tell her it has nothing to do with my parent and is really hard for mi. In the end, this lasted for about 6mths. Same old excuse, If u love mi, give mi time…..

How can i tolerate all these and she even mention i m not good ebnough and dun understand her so wanted a divorce umpteem times. this can be verified with her close friends. Now she is wanting the house and my kid and mention if not my parents cannot get to seee my son. > I have tolerated and stepped back enough. no more Mr Nice guy…

That’s the reason i wrote this mail to let others know some true facts and many others within.

With love and pain,

Sam

It has been some time since I last wrote… many things have happened recently and I can only say that these are colours of life. What colours….no comments on that.

Everything seems so abstract or vaugue…what happened at work seems yesterday and today is totally different. how much you can put in for a company and the next day got booted out.

How travelling can change one’s perspective.

Learn about friendship. really so fragile…see my Quote u know about 25yrs of friendship can come from dust to dust. A marriage can really build oneself yet how tolerance can really play such a big role in life. A child’s birth can really make a mark in my life.

Tears are bountiful yet so shallow and meaningless. I admit I am weak but Pls Father…dun have to prove me so right…

Going through my past photos and memory of the 1st gal I met that took mi through poly, the next gal that took mi through BMT and lastly the one that still taking me through this interesting journey. Makes me wonder is there really such a need but yet it happened which means they are important to me that He put me through.

All in all, never regret what I have been through but more of how I can continue…

In life, there are many beginnings… for most of them are relationships…some is a new environment or  a new life like a fellow friend of mine getting his PR in Aussie. SOme others maybe work  while smoe others can be the smallest thing but yet significant to each their own. Iguess I’m stil figuring out and sorting out my own. Whoeva out there which is everyone is are having all the different beginnigs similar to u and I, ALl the best… Not easy to try to put down the past and based on it to try to make sure we get the best out of it for the current as wel as the future…

Well, that’s life man… What you expect…NoaH’S ARK AND FLOOD  come destroying and saving the good…guys out there, better wake up your idea as the rainbow shows that will never happen. But what else??? Leave it for you guys to experience and may just drop a comment or 2. Take care everyonez….